When I Find Myself in Times of Trouble...

I've developed a stress-induced tic. I have roughly about one zillion things going on right now. Job interviews, quitting the other job, the boy and I are house hunting, endless commitments at the library with looming deadlines. Did I mention finals coming up in a class that I couldn't even begin to tell you what it is about? Lots on the ol' plate, people. The pressure is almost unbearable. And now I find my right eyelid has been spasming for nigh on 3 weeks now.

There is, however, one thing that helps. It's storytime. Gather round, kids.

Many years ago, my life hit one of those delightful spots where everything goes to hell in a handbasket. Yes, I know, I brought it on myself but my life was in shambles and I had to do something. So I was standing in the yard of a downtrodden little house where I had resided. Near me was the U-haul that held all my earthly belongings for I was about to embark on a journey. It would take me far from all that I held dear but I was determined to go in a misguided attempt to make things right. I was terrified. I stood in the yard next to the grape hyacinth and yellow tulips that looked out of place in the run down yard and in my life. In front of me, (angelic music) stood my father. He had pulled me away from my friends and family who had come to see me off. I remember I was facing north and if the trees hadn't been in the way, the San Francisco Peaks would have been over his right shoulder. He said, in his heavy southern drawl, these words to me, "Go there and live for yourself. You are beholden to no one."

My first thought was "Is beholden really a word and did Daddy use it right?" My second thought was "What the hell is going on? Daddy doesn't talk like that." My third thought was "Holy %$*&. That was the most wonderful, comforting, freeing phrase I have ever heard in my whole life." Daddy was like a god in my eyes and to have him give me permission to be selfish for one second was like the weight of the world being lifted off my shoulders. Go ahead, try it, imagine yourself not owing anyone a damn thing. He made it look so easy. He made it look like it had been easy all along, if I had only known.

I lost Daddy to cancer last August. The intensity with which I miss him daily is astounding to me. But in times like this, and I know it's cliche, I can literally hear him saying that to me.

I'll be damned if it doesn't stop the tic every time. I am beholden to no one.